It's Either Home-Run or Strike-Out!

    There are those moments in life when nothing makes sense. Then, there are those moments when EVERYTHING makes sense. 
     Over the past four months, I have made one of the best friends I have ever had in my entire life. Granted, he is a guy and most people can't understand the relationship but he's been wonderful since day one. My biggest fear now, right now, at this very second, is losing our friendship for some crazy reason. I find that with our friendship we are always telling each other what we want to hear though. It's not that we don't love each other or trust each other but I think we just want the other to be happy so badly that we try to say nothing out of the way. 
     Last night after a couple beer...well maybe a few I guess he believed in the phrase "the truth shall set you free" because he braved up and told me some things about myself that maybe I was secretly aware of but just didn't want to admit. He said that I have extremities. I either like people and that means I really like them or I dislike people and that means I reallyyyy dislike them. There is really no in between with me. Also, he says that the people that I like, I give my absolute best to, no questions asked which is also completely true about me. Then he said it...the words that no one likes to hear about themselves. The words that you fight off because you are sure the assumption is wrong. "YOU HAVE YOUR GUARD UP SO HIGH, YOU, YOURSELF CAN'T EVEN SEE OVER IT!" Wait, what?!? What do you know about my guard and why do you think it's up? What makes you say that? Maybe I just don't like anyone seriously that I've met. Maybe I just have good judgment on people and prefer not to give them chance after chance. It's MY guard... You leave it alone! 
      I woke up at 4:49 a.m. and said to myself, "I have my guard up. Higher than most people that have been through worse relationships than me." He was right. I do have my guard up. I don't give people genuine chances because I'm so burnt out on this relationship thing. I am sad. I am scared. I am aching. I am selfish. I am not the bright eyed 15 year old that fell in love six years ago absolutely fearless. What happened to me? 
     In the next couple of months my goal is to give chances. I am going to look for the best in everyone. I won't judge people or assume that they will hurt me. I am just going to be bright eyed and fearless. I am going to trust God to give me wisdom and strength and even more strong decision-making skills. I love my life but I could love it so much more if I would let more people in. So that I will. 

"fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Just Swing and Pray... The Home-Run Way!

I have said them an uncountable number of times. I have screamed them through tears. I have giggled them in laughter. I have mumbled them in silence. I have said them reluctantly in response to. I have seen others use them too quickly and still others never use them at all. I have used them in a completely serious manner and I have used them on every person I come across at the bar when I've had one too many. I, along with millions of other people in this world whether in English or Spanish or French or whatever, have spoken those three (so short and simple but which hold huge meaning) words.... I love you!
The first time I said these words to anyone other than family members and very close friends was when I was 15 years old. I said those three words to the same person for five years. Sometimes I said it out of habit but most always I said it with feeling. He said it too. For five years. He said it right back or either he said first. After those five years I wondered if love was really in existence anymore. Was there really a such thing as true love, a such thing as being in love? Because you couldn't say you loved someone but hurt them over and over again. You couldn't go to sleep every night and wake up every morning saying "I love you" to someone when you weren't even completely sure what girl you were with the night before. You can't watch a girl lose her confidence and security at the fault of your wrong doings but still profess to be in love with her. Did love really exist? How could it? And if it did, why would anyone love me? Obviously I wasn't enough for someone for five years, when would I ever be enough for someone?
Today, standing in Target with my best friend Grace talking to another friend of mine Leslie, it clicked to me that love does exist. There is such a thing as true love. The idea of being in love isn't a scam. It's real. It's all real.
Let me back up for a minute. Everyone knows I have to put this in baseball retrospect. Watch any baseball game... You will see a hitter swing as hard as he can and miss but every now and then, you will see a hitter swing the bat with all of his might and the ball will sail through the sky and over the fence. If you're lucky, that home-run may win a ball game or maybe it will just draw the team a little closer to a win. I have heard lots of my guy friends who play baseball say there is no particular pitch that they see coming and know it is a home-run, most of the time they just swing and pray.
Now, in the case that you have not picked up on this analogy yet. For five years, I was swinging and missing. There were occasions when I may get runners on base and maybe even hit a couple out but I never touched home for the win. I was always just a few home-runs shy of it. I have never known what kind of pitches God was going to throw at me, I would mostly just swing and pray but almost two years ago now, he threw me a pitch. The pitch was a wild one, maybe even a curve ball at the time but I clinched the bat as hard as I could, I forgot about all the other times when I had gone up to the plate but still lost the game, I swung with everything I had left in me, and I prayed. I dropped the bat, looked up and realized that somehow I had hit a home-run that had finally won the game.
Today standing in Target, I said to Grace and Leslie,"I have never seen anyone love someone the way Josh loves me." Through all of the hard and the bad times, he just stands right with me, he smiles and listens and loves with all he has. He doesn't complain when I get mad. He doesn't pick out my flaws, to him I have none. He doesn't even know that other girls exist. I am the girl he loves. I am the one he is in love with. I am the one he wakes up every morning to and falls asleep every night to saying "I love you" and he says it with complete confidence. 19 months ago I shrugged off all the other at-bats that resulted in callused hands and losses and I swung at a pitch that gave me one of the greatest wins of my life this far. He is the most genuine and kind-hearted guy I know and when he says those three words to me, I know what they mean.


"And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love? But the greatest of these is love" 1 Corinthians 13:13

Better than MLB Insurance!

     It's so close now I can almost taste it...Spring Training that is! Josh is leaving mid-February to head back down to Florida. I couldn't be more excited because not only do I adore baseball season but Josh always stops in on his way down which of course makes me a happy lady.
     This year is going to be a little different than all the other years. For the first time in what, four years I think, Josh will probably not be playing ball down South. For him, that is a great thing because that will mean that he is moving up AGAIN! For me, it is a tab bit nerving. I have never had to drive North to watch him play ball, he has always been in the Southeastern area playing. Also, for the few people who have asked if I will officially be going with him this year...I hate to disappoint but that is still undecided. I have been searching for jobs and have only found one where he will probably be in NY so far. God knows what is best for us and if it is meant for me to be there with him, I will be. If not, then I won't...but that is something that I will have to keep everyone posted on.
     So on to other things, two blogs ago I talked about that ridiculous show Baseball Wives. Everytime I even think about it, I want to gag. Anyway, in that same blog I talked about the frustrations of glove contracts but my oh so smart Joshua made the decision today and the decision is....he will not be signing any glove contracts this season. The contract was going to be a two year agreement and this particular company pays fifty dollars less a game than some of the other ones so he is going to just hold out for right now. At first, I thought Josh should definitely sign the contract but when he explained everything to me, I agreed that he had made a good decision.
      Last night, I was a little down in the dumps. I pretty much spent Christmas alone this year because Cammie has not been allowed to be around other dogs until today. I was missing my family and Josh. At about 9 p.m. last night, I just lost it! I couldn't contain myself anymore. I couldn't play tough girl anymore. I went nuts. Through the crying and the mumbling and breath gasping, I am certain Josh could not hear a word I was saying but he just listened. He didn't respond or try and interrupt to give advice. He didn't say,"What did you say, I didn't understand you?" He just listened. He gave me his complete undivided attention which was all I wanted. He is so good for that. In Josh's world, my concerns come way before his concerns. He has tons of stuff going on in his life but it doesn't matter to him, if I need his attention, he gives it to me, no questions asked. Josh is always more focused on my well-being.
     I laugh sometimes because Josh hates using his health insurance through the Mets because if they see that one of the boys has gone to the doctor for any kind of injury, they will call them and find out what's going on...they are concerned not for the boy's well-being but for their own! An MLB organization can't afford to have an injured player. Last night when all of this anxiety was on the rise, that's the first thing I thought about. Josh could be like other guys who are like those MLB organizations. He could listen to my problems and ask questions just to be looking out for his own health in our relationship but instead he is genuinely more worried about me and my feelings. I don't know how he does it. I don't know why he does it but having insurance with him is much better than MLB insurance.

"May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed." Psalm 20:4

"oh the places you'll go...."

    It's hard to believe that in just four very short months my college career will be coming to a close. I remember going into Francis Marion. It was January of 2008. I was scared to death but excited at the same time. My high school sweetheart and I had English 200 together so I figured at least I would have someone I knew in one of my classes. I was so confident that I would leave home and never look back but I won't forget that first feel of homesickness that I got. It was my third day at FMU and I was just feeling helpless. Even though I had Sebie there, I was sad and really just feeling alone. Luckily, my dad had just contracted a job on the campus so I went every day after classes and spent time with him, my brother, and his dog. It was just what I needed to be able to get used to the adjustment. It was a gradual release of me being on my own. 
    Today I sit here and can't even imagine going back home. I have been on my own now for four years. Completely on my own (living by myself) for six months. I would probably lose my mind if I thought I had to go back under one of my parent's roofs. However, as I start applying to jobs, some in New York, Seattle, South Bend, Miami.... I start getting the homesick feeling again. Not the actual feeling but the bittersweet calm before the storm feelings. I have worked extremely hard for the past four years to obtain a valuable Marketing degree concentrated in Sports and I can't wait to use it but I do sometimes wonder if I should have gone to nursing school or some other degree that would allow me the flexibility to choose where I wanted to live. Well, I would make a terrible nurse. I am petrified of blood and needles so that would have never worked out. I love marketing and I love sports so I know I chose the right track for my life but boy am I scared?!?! Scared of moving somewhere I hate or doing something that I hate. Scared of losing close contact with my family. Scared of my niece having no idea who I am. I am scared of lots of things. Growing up is so difficult. 
    When I was little, my daddy and I would sit on the front porch looking out at the field across from the house and eat Oreos. We never had meaningful conversations. He would tell me how much he loved me and how smart and beautiful I was and how lucky he was to have me as his little girl but never any life lesson conversations or anything like that. Now if I am having a bad day or just need to be home, I will drive the hour and some to simply lay in my mama's lap. Like those Oreo days with my dad, my mom and I don't talk about too much meaningful stuff. She will tell me that everything is going to be alright and that she is so proud of me and I have accomplished so many great things but never anything too, too important. I guess what I am getting at here is all my life I have been several feet or several miles from my parents but never so far that I couldn't just drive to them in an hour or less. It is scary to think that in just a few short months I may be a day's drive away or a few hours flight away from them. I may be eating Oreos alone or simply cuddling up to Cammie. My mom might have to tell me via Skype how proud she is and my dad might be telling me through text how much he loves me. That's a scary feeling. Very scary. When I said the calm before the storm, maybe I meant the heart of the tornado. I am terrified. Excited, very! But terrified at the same time. 
    I have been away from home for seven days now. My mom tells me every day in her sweetest mommy voice that she loves and misses me. I am very blessed with how much my parents love me but I see each day how much closer I am to being a full on grown up and the one thing that keeps me strong is Jeremiah 29:11. If you don't know this one you're really missing out, I know I've used it on a previous blog but it means more to me day after day so I'm going to use it again! 

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 

True Life: you're being deceived baseball style!

I assure you, the show is fooling you. Being a baseball wife/girlfriend is nothing like that VH1 show Baseball Wives... That stuff is absolutely bogus! I will give you the low down of the real life side of it, not the side that gets paid to be filmed.
Tonight sitting on the couch, Josh and I began to talk about my job search next year. You know, the job search being a female with a marketing degree concentrated in sports. Problem: we can't be 100% certain where Josh will be next year therefore we aren't really sure where I should be submitting resumes or even searching. We are weighing options wondering if we would be better off for me to continue being a personal trainer and group fitness instructor for another year or what. This is real life. Not every guy getting paid by an MLB organization has it as easy as the guys who are on the 40 man roster of each team. Those guys who haven't made it to that point have things to worry about, real life things. They have to worry about bills and what is best for themselves and the important people in their lives as well. Josh is so smart and such a great decision maker. I count on him to get me through some of my biggest life decisions.
So as we are sitting talking about the whole job situation, Josh gets a call from his agent. His agent is more like a friend to him than anything else but they still have to discuss business which always makes me a little shaky. Tonight it was talk about the future. The next two years and how they are the most important towards his career. They talked about glove contracts and whether Josh would be smart to accept one of these offers. They talked about where he might be placed after spring training 2012. They talked about how early he needs to leave for spring training. All of these things is enough to make my stomach turn circles. I have no idea what our lives are going to be like. He said the sweetest thing to me earlier, "Cari Ellen, I just want a house with a garden and backyard, those normal life things." I giggled and said,"Josh we will be there one day but let's just get our minds set that we may not live a normal life for a long time." I love how tender-hearted he is. I am such a lucky human being to have him. I know that our lives are hard and definitely not normal so to say but I would not change a single thing about it, I love him. I would argue with anyone that I am one of the most blessed girls in the world to have him in my life.
The things you don't see on television are these stories. The stories of guys and families who still have the not so normal lives to worry about. You don't hear the stories of women who are supporting men through the times where there isn't a whole lot of income coming in and those women who are strictly in it because they are so head over heels in love that they couldn't imagine their lives any other way. I adore Josh. Don't pity us, that's not what I intended for this to do, I just wanted to give you a sneak peek of true life: I'm a baseball girlfriend!


"Therefore, among God's churches we boast about your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and trials you are enduring." 2 Thessalonians 1:4

The Strikeout That Will NEVER Happen!

    How many of you have ever heard someone say,"Don't worry...what's meant to be will be"? If I asked that question in an auditorium of six thousand people, I guarantee you everyone would raise their hand. Personally, I hate that phrase. Why? Because when I am bursting into tears about how much I love and miss Josh, hearing "what's meant to be will be" isn't exactly the tissue that will dry my eyes.
     When I started dating Josh almost a year a half ago now, I was dumb. I broke up with him for not a very good reason and a false reason at that. When he gave me a second chance, I was even dumber. I broke up with him again because I wanted to be sure that we were living our lives for ourselves instead of for each other. However this time, I told him that I did want us to be together, I just wanted to be sure that we had it all figured out first. He said that he was okay with that and to let him know when I was ready. Well I have been ready. Pretty much since the day we broke, I have been ready but to ensure that we were both safe from heartache again I dragged it out until last week and then I finally told him. He didn't exactly follow through with the whole "just let me know when you're ready thing."
     My reason for writing tonight...I want to let everyone know, I would shout it from the top of the Eiffel Tower for all the world to hear if I could, I love that boy. My biggest fear is to wake up one morning and have lost him. So, I am working my tail off to not let that happen. I am going to give and give and love and love until I just can't anymore. If there is one person in this world that I am confident I can last forever with, it is him, and I will not let him go just yet. I know he thinks I am just talking out of my butt again and that I will probably wind up breaking his heart for a third time but I will not! Never again will let him go. I just pray that love really can conquer all.
     I hope that I get another chance. I have struck out twice now but I do pray that Josh will allow me to stay up to bat because this time I won't disappoint him. I don't lose well. I fight for the things I want. There are no strikeouts for me because I don't allow that to happen. I may foul it off five times before getting a hit but this time I will be sure it's a grand slam. I love you Josh and I pray that our love story isn't over yet! Forever and ever and always!

 

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18

Waiting for the Big Break

     In life, we are always waiting on something. It's a constant cycle....when you are 12, you can't wait to be a teenager. When you're 13, you can't wait to be 15 to get your permit. When you get your permit, you can't wait to get your license and drive without Mom and Dad, or for me older siblings as welll. When you're 16, you can't wait to be 18. You can't wait to experience living on your own without your parents, being free and independent. When you're 18, you can't wait to be the big 21, legal and invincible. We wait on a "soulmate." We wait on a ring. We wait on a marriage. We wait on kids. We wait on the big promotion. We wait for our own kids to grow and leave the nest. We wait for our kids to repeat the rhythm and have kids of their own making us grandparents. We wait and we wait and we wait and we wait.
     It doesn't matter what stage of this waiting process you may be in, the fact of the matter is....it's inevitable! We are all waiting on something! Just think about it. My best friend is waiting for her baby girl to arrive. My sister is waiting to get married. My mom is waiting to find love again. My brother is waiting for his daughter to be potty trained. I am waiting for guys WITHOUT girlfriends to be attracted to me. (by the way, I'm really sorry to those girls with the loser boyfriends) Even Cammie, my dog, is looking at me right now waiting for me to cuddle with her. It's true, even she is having to wait!

      Waiting.... no one likes that word and they especially don't like the idea but what happens if we don't just sit and wait? This is what I think, you can take it, or leave it, you can love it, or hate it but it is what it is. If we don't wait on what God has in store for us, if we just push and push and jump on the first train that doesn't throw us off(and no I'm not just talking about mediocre guys, even though that would make sense) we may miss out on some great opportunities. Who knows what is out there for us?It's unfortunate that people rush their lives away. It's unfortunate that people will settle for "satisfaction"and not wait for absolute HAPPINESS.

       There is always a guy on the team catching bull pens. He has maybe gotten 2 at-bats in his current career. He may never get to actually suit up and sit behind the plate to catch balls that actually count for something but that doesn't stop him from putting on all the equipment and warming a pitcher up before every inning. That's another reason I love the sport- baseball is just a ton of hopeful guys. Patient and hopeful guys! They are waiting on their big break. Some guys in the Major League organization even let go of the dream and agree to JUST catch bull pens for $300,000 a year...seems like a good idea to me! I am the hopeful and patient bull pen catcher, I suppose. I have no idea what the future will bring but I suit up every day with a smile on my face and wait for my next big thing. I feel so sure that I will be catching meaningful, counted, recorded pitches one day but for right now I am content with using my catcher booty for something not quite as meaningful. I'll sit the bench and warm pitchers up for however long I have to, if it means that my big break is down the road, that will be so worth the wait!!

"I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning." Psalm 130:5-6