It's hard to believe that in just four very short months my college career will be coming to a close. I remember going into Francis Marion. It was January of 2008. I was scared to death but excited at the same time. My high school sweetheart and I had English 200 together so I figured at least I would have someone I knew in one of my classes. I was so confident that I would leave home and never look back but I won't forget that first feel of homesickness that I got. It was my third day at FMU and I was just feeling helpless. Even though I had Sebie there, I was sad and really just feeling alone. Luckily, my dad had just contracted a job on the campus so I went every day after classes and spent time with him, my brother, and his dog. It was just what I needed to be able to get used to the adjustment. It was a gradual release of me being on my own.
Today I sit here and can't even imagine going back home. I have been on my own now for four years. Completely on my own (living by myself) for six months. I would probably lose my mind if I thought I had to go back under one of my parent's roofs. However, as I start applying to jobs, some in New York, Seattle, South Bend, Miami.... I start getting the homesick feeling again. Not the actual feeling but the bittersweet calm before the storm feelings. I have worked extremely hard for the past four years to obtain a valuable Marketing degree concentrated in Sports and I can't wait to use it but I do sometimes wonder if I should have gone to nursing school or some other degree that would allow me the flexibility to choose where I wanted to live. Well, I would make a terrible nurse. I am petrified of blood and needles so that would have never worked out. I love marketing and I love sports so I know I chose the right track for my life but boy am I scared?!?! Scared of moving somewhere I hate or doing something that I hate. Scared of losing close contact with my family. Scared of my niece having no idea who I am. I am scared of lots of things. Growing up is so difficult.
When I was little, my daddy and I would sit on the front porch looking out at the field across from the house and eat Oreos. We never had meaningful conversations. He would tell me how much he loved me and how smart and beautiful I was and how lucky he was to have me as his little girl but never any life lesson conversations or anything like that. Now if I am having a bad day or just need to be home, I will drive the hour and some to simply lay in my mama's lap. Like those Oreo days with my dad, my mom and I don't talk about too much meaningful stuff. She will tell me that everything is going to be alright and that she is so proud of me and I have accomplished so many great things but never anything too, too important. I guess what I am getting at here is all my life I have been several feet or several miles from my parents but never so far that I couldn't just drive to them in an hour or less. It is scary to think that in just a few short months I may be a day's drive away or a few hours flight away from them. I may be eating Oreos alone or simply cuddling up to Cammie. My mom might have to tell me via Skype how proud she is and my dad might be telling me through text how much he loves me. That's a scary feeling. Very scary. When I said the calm before the storm, maybe I meant the heart of the tornado. I am terrified. Excited, very! But terrified at the same time.
I have been away from home for seven days now. My mom tells me every day in her sweetest mommy voice that she loves and misses me. I am very blessed with how much my parents love me but I see each day how much closer I am to being a full on grown up and the one thing that keeps me strong is Jeremiah 29:11. If you don't know this one you're really missing out, I know I've used it on a previous blog but it means more to me day after day so I'm going to use it again!
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
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