The Strikeout That Will NEVER Happen!

    How many of you have ever heard someone say,"Don't worry...what's meant to be will be"? If I asked that question in an auditorium of six thousand people, I guarantee you everyone would raise their hand. Personally, I hate that phrase. Why? Because when I am bursting into tears about how much I love and miss Josh, hearing "what's meant to be will be" isn't exactly the tissue that will dry my eyes.
     When I started dating Josh almost a year a half ago now, I was dumb. I broke up with him for not a very good reason and a false reason at that. When he gave me a second chance, I was even dumber. I broke up with him again because I wanted to be sure that we were living our lives for ourselves instead of for each other. However this time, I told him that I did want us to be together, I just wanted to be sure that we had it all figured out first. He said that he was okay with that and to let him know when I was ready. Well I have been ready. Pretty much since the day we broke, I have been ready but to ensure that we were both safe from heartache again I dragged it out until last week and then I finally told him. He didn't exactly follow through with the whole "just let me know when you're ready thing."
     My reason for writing tonight...I want to let everyone know, I would shout it from the top of the Eiffel Tower for all the world to hear if I could, I love that boy. My biggest fear is to wake up one morning and have lost him. So, I am working my tail off to not let that happen. I am going to give and give and love and love until I just can't anymore. If there is one person in this world that I am confident I can last forever with, it is him, and I will not let him go just yet. I know he thinks I am just talking out of my butt again and that I will probably wind up breaking his heart for a third time but I will not! Never again will let him go. I just pray that love really can conquer all.
     I hope that I get another chance. I have struck out twice now but I do pray that Josh will allow me to stay up to bat because this time I won't disappoint him. I don't lose well. I fight for the things I want. There are no strikeouts for me because I don't allow that to happen. I may foul it off five times before getting a hit but this time I will be sure it's a grand slam. I love you Josh and I pray that our love story isn't over yet! Forever and ever and always!

 

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18

Waiting for the Big Break

     In life, we are always waiting on something. It's a constant cycle....when you are 12, you can't wait to be a teenager. When you're 13, you can't wait to be 15 to get your permit. When you get your permit, you can't wait to get your license and drive without Mom and Dad, or for me older siblings as welll. When you're 16, you can't wait to be 18. You can't wait to experience living on your own without your parents, being free and independent. When you're 18, you can't wait to be the big 21, legal and invincible. We wait on a "soulmate." We wait on a ring. We wait on a marriage. We wait on kids. We wait on the big promotion. We wait for our own kids to grow and leave the nest. We wait for our kids to repeat the rhythm and have kids of their own making us grandparents. We wait and we wait and we wait and we wait.
     It doesn't matter what stage of this waiting process you may be in, the fact of the matter is....it's inevitable! We are all waiting on something! Just think about it. My best friend is waiting for her baby girl to arrive. My sister is waiting to get married. My mom is waiting to find love again. My brother is waiting for his daughter to be potty trained. I am waiting for guys WITHOUT girlfriends to be attracted to me. (by the way, I'm really sorry to those girls with the loser boyfriends) Even Cammie, my dog, is looking at me right now waiting for me to cuddle with her. It's true, even she is having to wait!

      Waiting.... no one likes that word and they especially don't like the idea but what happens if we don't just sit and wait? This is what I think, you can take it, or leave it, you can love it, or hate it but it is what it is. If we don't wait on what God has in store for us, if we just push and push and jump on the first train that doesn't throw us off(and no I'm not just talking about mediocre guys, even though that would make sense) we may miss out on some great opportunities. Who knows what is out there for us?It's unfortunate that people rush their lives away. It's unfortunate that people will settle for "satisfaction"and not wait for absolute HAPPINESS.

       There is always a guy on the team catching bull pens. He has maybe gotten 2 at-bats in his current career. He may never get to actually suit up and sit behind the plate to catch balls that actually count for something but that doesn't stop him from putting on all the equipment and warming a pitcher up before every inning. That's another reason I love the sport- baseball is just a ton of hopeful guys. Patient and hopeful guys! They are waiting on their big break. Some guys in the Major League organization even let go of the dream and agree to JUST catch bull pens for $300,000 a year...seems like a good idea to me! I am the hopeful and patient bull pen catcher, I suppose. I have no idea what the future will bring but I suit up every day with a smile on my face and wait for my next big thing. I feel so sure that I will be catching meaningful, counted, recorded pitches one day but for right now I am content with using my catcher booty for something not quite as meaningful. I'll sit the bench and warm pitchers up for however long I have to, if it means that my big break is down the road, that will be so worth the wait!!

"I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning." Psalm 130:5-6

Riding the Bench

    Remember how I said, I had dated a few different guys here and there? Well, after Sebie and I broke up, I started going for older guys. I decided that these guys were more established, mature, so on, and so on. During this period, very shortly, I dated the head baseball coach for a Junior College(Florence Darlington Technical College). Of course when you read that you are probably thinking that I was dated a 40 year old guy...NO, he is just very successful for his age-only 26. This relationship was a little off-set. I was the "perfect" girlfriend some might say and he was the rather mean, overly controlling boyfriend so inevitably, I broke up with him because again why give your love away to someone undeserving? Since I broke up with him , he has claimed to have made a complete turnaround...this could be true; he has sent me flowers, novel- long text messages, and anything else you can think of apologizing and telling me that he has changed. However, I learned about second chances with Sebie. Second chances are just an open opportunity for someone to screw it up, AGAIN.
    The reason I blog about this is because dating older guys, especially the head coach of a college baseball team, when you are still pretty young yourself has a funny effect. When people say that age is just a number and it doesn't matter, I guess I believe them now. People don't judge you by how old you are(most people think I am at least 24 anyway) but they judge you by your maturity and the atmosphere in which you live.
     So the other night, my friend and I went to a local club. The reason for going to this club is because it is the only place in Florence that you can dance, which being a Zumba instructor, of course I love doing that. So I was so excited because I have not been out dancing in MONTHS! We walk in the club, head towards the side of the dance floor when I notice this huge group of young guys, most looking around 18 or so just staring at me! I have what my friend and I like to call, "ABPR, which is Accurate Baseball Player Radar," I can spot a baseball player from miles away because it's all I've known all my life. So this group of guys, I could tell, were all collegiate baseball players and since Florence only has two collegiate baseball programs, one at FMU which I know all of them since I dated one for five years, and one at Florence Darlington, I knew immediately that they were my ex's players.
     About ten minutes in to our club appearance, two of the young guys come up to me and ask me to dance with them. Well, I knew that I could not do that so I was forced to respond, "I don't think your coach would like that." Their mouths hit the floor and immediately they realized who I was...This started a rave at the club. They went back and reminded all of their teammates who I was as well. Some came up and spoke to me, others tried to hide from me so that I couldn't see what they were doing, others came and begged me to not tell their coach that they were here. All I wanted to do was DANCE!!! The only place in Florence that you can dance is obviously not an option for me now either because of this reason...
     I knew that when I made the decision to date someone in my ex's position that I would have to change my life to accommodate but I thought that months later, it wouldn't matter. Well, I was wrong. Once you make the decision to date more maturely, you have to make the decision to be a "grown up" for the rest of your time living at that place.
     I ended up leaving the club very soon. Immediately when I sat in the driver's seat of my car, my heart sank. I am officially out of the game. I am officially riding the bench. I thought that at any second those baseball players may refer to me as "MRS."! A two month relationship, just TWO months, has now caused me to be viewed as an old lady. It doesn't matter to me that the guys kept saying to me, "how did coach get you, you're really hot?!?" What matters is that even if one of those players were 22 years old, 6'5", and the sweetest God-loving guy in the world, I couldn't pursue him. Not only because of my respect for my ex, but because the kid obviously thinks of me as his mother!
     After my short period of depression about the whole thing for the past couple of days, I blog about it today in a much more joking way. I knew subconsciously when I began dating my ex that it would take me out of the playing field for most all decent-looking young guys in Florence so now I have to just suck it up and go on. One thing I did learn, however, is that this is just another reason as to why come May, it's time for me to pick up and move to a new place. Time for me to start over. Time for me to make a life for myself. Time for people to get to know ME, not me as someone's ex/property! Time for me to be able to go out and dance all night if I want to, not caring who might see me. Time for me to quit riding the bench and step back up to the plate... I'm so ready! I know that God has a great purpose for me and I plan to follow his will for the rest of my life. I will let him pick my location, my career, my soul-mate, everything! It is all in his hands! All according to him! I will do everything to his glory!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your path straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Only One Inning of Play

    I woke up at 4:13 a.m. Thursday morning, 17 minutes earlier than I normally wake up each day and I said to myself, "In ten years, I will be 31 years old. Ten Years! 12 short years ago, my younger brother was born, that seems like just yesterday. So you're telling me that in 10 EVEN shorter years, I will be above the age of 30....30, say it with me thirtyyyyyyyy!"
    Why did I ever believe that I would be young forever? Why would anyone get fooled into believing that? It's not possible. I love who I am right now, I'm young, I'm happy, I'm fun, and I'm still a natural blonde which I hear changes the older you get. So that is when it hit me, why rush my life away? Why not go back to school after graduation next year and get my doctoral degree? Why not visit every MLB stadium on the East coast? Why not travel to Denmark one day and experience culture somewhere else? Why not do all of these things that I have always wanted to do?
    Well, I will tell you why...because I put my life on hold for people, boys in particular! I came to Francis Marion following a boy, I stayed at Francis Marion an extra year waiting on a boy, I decided that I would follow a baseball player all over the country instead of pursuing my dreams to be something important one day, to be someone great, to change things and people, or at least try to change things and people. I have continuously put my dreams and goals on hold because I have been exposed all my life to the idea that you go to school, you go to college, you graduate, you get married, you get a job, and you have kids.
    I have spent my entire life trying to please everyone around me. I have tried to do what everyone else wants me to do instead of doing what I want to do. I have followed guys that I thought I would spend forever with just to find out that my idea of success is unlike most other Southern women. My idea of success is not finding a husband, getting a huge engagement ring, planning the perfect wedding, being a housewife, having two perfect chidlren, and then transforming into a housemom. My idea of success has to do with being someone, being known! I want to go to school and make something of myself. I want to travel and drink beer while watching sporting events. I want to be myself before I am locked into being someone else's forever. Why is that so bad? Why does that make my mom's "nerves in knots" as she told me today.
    I think I'm going to make a great wife and mother one day, one day when I'm ready, one day when I can look at my kids and tell them everything that I accomplished and motivate them to do the same. I want to experience bright lights and big cities. I want to disappear to Raleigh on the weekends and pretty much only recall my friend Chris walking down the main street asking everyone we passed to give him a hug. I want to run marathons and teach fitness classes. I want to look what little bit of muscle I have on my body in the mirror every day instead of worrying about stretch marks and cellulite. I want all of these things while I am still young and can do it. I want to serve the Lord through my accomplishments. I want to pick up and go on missions trips thousands of miles away without having to miss my husband or my kids.
    So I am challenging myself.... from this day forward, I will do big things. I will have fun. I will be young. I will take pure and full advantage of the one life I have to live. And then, for my mom and brother's comfortability, when I am ready and I feel it, I will be a wife and a mom but until then, I will love the Lord, and I will love my life because we only get one shot at it. It's not like baseball, you don't have nine innings to bring in runs, you have ONE, that's all. You have to go big or go home.

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve." Jeremiah 17:9-10

When on the mound...do as a pitcher does!

    My mom laughed tonight when I was on the phone with her while in Target and I said,"It must be nice to have a significant other..." She responded,"Silly girl, you have one of the best significant others I know." She's right, I do. We actually booked our hotel for Dallas just today for our trip! So super exciting since we will be staying in Hyatt Place at the Reunion Tower which overlooks the city! The reason I made the comment about "having a significant other" is because my life is unlike most people's lives. Being the girlfriend of someone who is gone from late February until late September, can help you to see what you're made of.
    I have always said that a pitcher has one of the most difficult positions there is. In every sport, you should play as a team but when a pitcher is on the mound, he has to be somewhat independent and count on himself! A baseball game can ultimately fall on how well a pitcher throws. Josh is a pitcher, left-handed, throwing low to mid nineties right now. I love to read his stats and see how well he is doing but I HATE watching him throw or listening to the games...it stresses me out to the absolute max! But I respect Josh so much because he works so hard to be where he is and he knows that he has a lot of burden to bear when he's standing on the mound.
    I opened with "when on the mound...do as a pitcher does." The reasoning for this is because, when most girls could ask their better half, for lack of a better term, to run to the store with them or come over and help them get the groceries out of the car, realistically, I can not do that. So, as hard as it can be at times, I have had to learn what it's like to "not have a significant other." I have learned how much I can carry at once, I have learned that customer service at the cable company is the perfect fix to my electronic illiteracy (and they have learned that a girl without her boyfriend, who knows nothing about electronics can be emotional annd needy), I have also learned just the right amount of food to cook to feed one person, I have learned that I must set out extra time every day to take care of the dog because I'm the only one here to do so....I have learned so many things about how to carry the weight of it just being me here and him being, what feels like, millions of miles away. So quick preview of my night: here's a picture of my first trip up the stairs after going to Target and a picture of the, not one, not two, but THREE flights of stairs that I have to lug all of these things up!

    Long story short: Josh's team will be playing in the Florida State League Championship so looks like my learning experiences will last a tad bit longer! Did I ever mention that I love baseball and I love the New York Mets?!?! haha awful, beautiful life! :)

"A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly" Proverbs 14:29
   

Perfecting Our Swing

    One thing I find truly amazing is the fact that you honestly do learn new things every day if you open up to learning new things.... for example, I learned just this past week that my "perfect" relationship isn't so perfect after all. I met Joshua in January of 2009. Since that day, we have not had so much as a harsh tone of voice with one another. Last week, we had more than a harsh tone of voice, we had our first solid fight. Picture this for a minute: a batter comes up to the plate, pitcher throws the ball, wild pitch hits the batter, batter shrugs it off and goes on to take his base. Scenario number 2: batter comes up to the plate, pitcher hits batter with ball, batter hits the grounds, after some mild examination from the athletic trainer, batter then takes his base. Scenario number 3, which in fact is the most relevant here: batter comes up to the plate, pitcher hits batter.....batter charges the mound! Yep, it was that serious!!
    Let me briefly sum up my life for you: I wake up at 4:30 a.m. every morning to get to the gym by 5:30 a.m.to work out, I then go to class until late afternoon, then I head back to the gym to teach my fitness classes, I go home, eat some dinner, do some housework, do some studying, listen to Josh's game, and I wait...and I wait....and I wait for nine innings of baseball to slowly wrap up so that I can hear his sweet voice for a short 30 minutes to an hour each night. This process ends at about midnight every night where I then fall asleep and wake up each morning to start it all over again. It's tough. Who am I kidding, it sometimes feels impossible!! I miss him.... I miss the days in college where I saw him at least three days a week, I miss the days where he worked for my dad and I saw him almost seven days a week. I just miss him.
     Now, let me briefly describe Josh's days: Josh wakes up, cooks him some breakfast, shoots me a few texts to which I respond as often as I can, wonders what I'm doing, if I'm okay, if I am sad today, what he should expect tonight when we talk after the game, will I be playful tonight or will it be one of those nights where every time he says a word, I start to get emotional..... Josh goes to the field and as soon as his pre-game practice is over he waits outside the clubhouse (because they aren't allowed to talk on their cell phones in the clubhouse) for me to call and us share a two and a half minute briefing of our day, which honestly is just long enough to say,"I miss you, I love you, I'll call you after the game. Have a great night, good luck at the game" so on and so on, you get the point.
    To sum it up, this life as a baseball player/a baseball player's significant other can be far more stressful than what people assume. There are many nights full of being beaten up about the distance and Josh saying, "Hey, it's all gonna be okay." There are many nights where we both wonder when it will ever get any easier. So, I guess it had to come eventually....at some point in our lives, the stress and tension of the distance had to wear away on us and cause us to have an argument. It was bad, I didn't know that he or I had it in us but boy oh boy was I wrong. Our little fight lasted a record breaking 45 minutes, it was the most difficult 2700 seconds I have had in the past couple of years.
    Last night, Josh must have had it on his mind pretty heavily, so he woke me up at maybe 2:30 a.m. because he needed me to hear him say that he loved me with everything he has in him....whoa, total soul food right there. I needed that so much. God has a huge purpose for my boy. I believe that he will be ministering about his baseball experiences one day and it will change lives. Who know, maybe we will be ministering together about the hardships of long distance. haha. I guess what's so funny about all of this is that Josh and I have always thought we were potentially the perfect couple. Guess what? There is no such thing.... Do we love each other? Absolutely. Do we know that we can make it through all of this? Definitely. Have we learned that we have a great deal of at-bats left before perfecting our swing? I would say so!

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12

Coming off the DL

Here we go again......

    Okay everybody, I am coming at you with the most sincere apologies for being so slow on blogging. I am coming off of the "disabled list" (for those who were wondering what DL stands for) and I plan on being back in action.
     Let me first start off by saying that keeping up with this blog could prove to be challenging because of a few reasons: I go to class 15 hours a week, I work in two departments at McLeod Health and Fitness, along with babysitting when I can, and taking on teaching classes at Fitness World in Hartsville which is a town about 35 minutes from Florence. However, I am surely going to try because I know that many of you that follow me on here have been wondering where in the world I disappeared to...not just blogging but in general. So hopefully I'm back and can keep you all informed.
      The very first blog on this page which is the only one now because I decided to take a little bit of a different route, informed everybody of my ex and some of the issues we had.....but it's story time!! yay, how exciting!!
       In the fall of 2008, the entire population of baseball guys at Francis Marion(including my ex) were all raving about the left-handed pitcher from Ohio State University that would be transferring to us to be a weekend starter in the spring. everyone was pretty excited because this was a baseball team that was a few pitchers shy of some big wins. I could only imagine what this guy would be like.... he's going to be so arrogant, thinking he can get all the girls, thinking he's already a big fish in a small pond, plus he's a northerner so he's going to naturally be a jerk. I am almost certain I wasn't the only person thinking this way.
       I had almost forgotten about all the uproar after Christmas break when everyone came back to school in the Spring of 2009. Everyone was so excited to reunite after the month long break and if you know Francis Marion and you know college athletes....A party was just the way to do that. Since my sister(who also dated an FMU baseball player) and I are not really the party animal types, we were very happy to see everyone back at school but we were pretty standoffish from the rave that was going on in, what felt like a 500 square foot home, that this party was taking place in.
       Abigayle(my big sister), Shuey(her boyfriend), and I were all standing outside in the yard talking when this country acting northern accented boy popped right into the middle of our conversation beaming from ear to ear as if he had known all three of us all of his life...."Shuey aren't you going to come inside and play beer pong with us??? Oh, sorry for the lack of acknowledgment, Shuey's girlfriend and Sebie's girlfriend(yeah people actually referred to me as that), it was not my intentions to be rude. You all should come inside and pong it up with us!" Hahahaha that still tickles me to death. When this character walked off, Abigayle and I both just sort of stared at Shuey as to say, okay what was that? I looked at my sister and said,"who in the world is that, he seems fun?" Well, foot in mouth for my prior assumptions, that was the Ohio State transfer, Josh Edgin.
       Josh and I actually became great friends through his teammate, my ex, and I never questioned how wonderful of a guy Josh was. I watched him have a few flings here and there, I watched him go through a pretty sad break-up with his girlfriend that cheated on him.... sad, because having going through the same thing myself multiple times, I knew how he must have felt.
       In early 2010, my ex and I called it quits for a lot of different reason which the first blog sort of hints at. I thought that I would lose many of my good baseball friends including Josh but they all stood by me because they also felt that I had made a smart decision by getting out of a not so great situation.
       Josh had been drafted in 2009 but was drafted in the 50th round by the Braves and decided that it was in his best interest to go back to Francis Marion for another year. Having nearly the same season  his senior year as his junior year he and everyone else predicted that he may not even be drafted in 2010. Once classes and baseball were over in 2010, Josh decided that he wanted to stay in South Carolina because he is actually from Pennsylvania, but in order to afford to do that, he would need to find a job. Abigayle offered her immediate assistance in getting him a job with my dad's directional boaring company.
        He began working for my dad in early May, therefore, putting us around each other quite a bit! Josh began showing interest in a relationship with me and it didn't take me very long to fall for him....for those that don't know him, he's so difficult not to love. Things were pretty exciting, we were so happy, he was so sweet, and  he was completely helping to heal my broken heart.
        I was working at a RedWolves game when I saw Josh come running up to me just beaming....he threw his arms around me and said,"I got picked up in the 30th round by the New York Mets." I had never seen him THAT happy! I smiled and laughed and got excited with him but deep down I thought I was going to throw up. I did not need another relationship, I definitely did not need a long distance relationship, I did not need to date a guy that girls would fall all over simply because he played baseball, I did not need any of those things but I liked him so much.
       When Josh had to report to Florida, and then was moved to Tennessee, I tried very hard to pull away from him but I just couldn't, he was the perfect guy. He was sweet and charming and always made me feel like I was the most important person in the world.
       There was a great deal of drama when people found out that he and I were dating. Lots of people said that he had used my ex to get to me, and that I obviously didn't care too much about my ex to be able to do something like that but Josh cared a lot about my ex, they were very good friends and NOTHING ever went on more than a friendship between Josh and I while I was with my ex. Also, I did love my ex but I made a decision that was best for me and I fell IN love with a guy who would hang the moon for me if he could.
        Josh and I have had our fair share of ups and downs, including a lengthy break up but we found our way back to each other this year and things couldn't be more wonderful. I tell this story because my life can be a little crazy and I honestly do not have time to tell everybody every single time that something happens in my life. Also, I have kept my personal life very much on the down low for quite some time to avoid the drama that Josh and I had to experience last year due to our relationship.
        When I said that I was going to take a different route/approach to my blog now, I am going to try to do more present day stuff....keep everyone informed on what's going on presently and what it's like in this beautiful life of mine! No more stories from the past, unless referenced, those days are gone and I don't plan on re-living any of them! So stay on the field with me if you can, because the game is really just getting started!

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
                                                  Jeremiah 29:11