There are those moments in life when nothing makes sense. Then, there are those moments when EVERYTHING makes sense.
Over the past four months, I have made one of the best friends I have ever had in my entire life. Granted, he is a guy and most people can't understand the relationship but he's been wonderful since day one. My biggest fear now, right now, at this very second, is losing our friendship for some crazy reason. I find that with our friendship we are always telling each other what we want to hear though. It's not that we don't love each other or trust each other but I think we just want the other to be happy so badly that we try to say nothing out of the way.
Last night after a couple beer...well maybe a few I guess he believed in the phrase "the truth shall set you free" because he braved up and told me some things about myself that maybe I was secretly aware of but just didn't want to admit. He said that I have extremities. I either like people and that means I really like them or I dislike people and that means I reallyyyy dislike them. There is really no in between with me. Also, he says that the people that I like, I give my absolute best to, no questions asked which is also completely true about me. Then he said it...the words that no one likes to hear about themselves. The words that you fight off because you are sure the assumption is wrong. "YOU HAVE YOUR GUARD UP SO HIGH, YOU, YOURSELF CAN'T EVEN SEE OVER IT!" Wait, what?!? What do you know about my guard and why do you think it's up? What makes you say that? Maybe I just don't like anyone seriously that I've met. Maybe I just have good judgment on people and prefer not to give them chance after chance. It's MY guard... You leave it alone!
I woke up at 4:49 a.m. and said to myself, "I have my guard up. Higher than most people that have been through worse relationships than me." He was right. I do have my guard up. I don't give people genuine chances because I'm so burnt out on this relationship thing. I am sad. I am scared. I am aching. I am selfish. I am not the bright eyed 15 year old that fell in love six years ago absolutely fearless. What happened to me?
In the next couple of months my goal is to give chances. I am going to look for the best in everyone. I won't judge people or assume that they will hurt me. I am just going to be bright eyed and fearless. I am going to trust God to give me wisdom and strength and even more strong decision-making skills. I love my life but I could love it so much more if I would let more people in. So that I will.
"fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
